Baby Bevin

Jane was so sweet and drew me this picture when Walter and I lost "Baby X" and I have it hanging in my cubicle at work next to my pictures of Padon and Sophia. I use it as my mantra when I start feeling sad. Part of what makes me sad is that there is a sense that I'm supposed to let go. That a baby that was only 5 1/2 weeks gestation wasn't really a baby at all and that, maybe, I should stop feeling sorry for myself. But for something that was so small and with us for such a short time the heartache is still so clear and there.

I had researched on the internet other's experiences in an attempt to feel more validated with my desire to acknowledge this baby as an accepted part of our family and consistently I read responses and comments on forums from gals that felt the same way or that were advocating treating a mother's heart gently no matter how early or late the misscarriage. Soul searching within myself I am so glad that I am not the Mother of three, but I want to acknowledge that I have been a Mother of three; that there were three pregnancys and that one was lost.

So I went home and brought up, again, a subject I had brought up to Walter before, and that was to name Baby X. Baby X was a nickname we gave the baby before we knew the gender and it has become an ugly name to me; one that sounds so scientific and numerical instead of cute. And I love Walter madly because he agreed. I'm not sure he hurts as much as I do, or has hurt as much as I have but he supports my feelings and my views 100%. So I did as I did for Padon and Sophia and that was to surf and research names, and in this case Unisex names. And after deciding upon about six different ones we jointly chose Bevin. Mostly it was the way the name rolled off our tongue and that we both agreed we liked it for a girl or boy. But suprisingly Bevin is a welsh name, there is Welsh on Walter's side of the family, and it means youthful. It is a good match. We then updated the Willowtree sculpture we have as a memorial to Bevin, noted on the bottom with the birthdate and age, and scratched out Baby X and replaced it with Bevin.

I am so relieved inside to have a name. It's funny how I still feel a voice in my head saying "You are being so dramatic to carry this on" but Sophia wasn't a replacement for the loss but another addition to our family. There will always have been one more person; one that I couldn't save but in my heart.