Where Did the Romanticism Go?

So, all family and friends now know that we are expecting our second (third) child. People at work are gradually guessing and hearing word of mouth that, yes, Chloe is pregnant, and no she didn't have too much chocolate. It's a relief to get it out as I plod my way through my 12th week, one week shy of my 2nd trimester, and am more and more free to move into maternity shirts and pants. But I'm struggling with the loss of romanticism in this pregnancy and am very grateful for my co-worker's excitement for me because I need to live vicariously through it.

Where did the romanticism go and who knew 2 years would be a perfect amount of time for a person to completely forget what it was like to be pregnant before? Walter reminded me that I had heart palpations with Padon, and my morning sickness was pretty much nonexistent (much thanks to Ginger People's Ginger Chews), but I have been ravenously starving, gassy, bloated (I did remember the extreme stomach cramps with Padon which I didn't get this time), and oh so tired; and I have concluded to myself, Walter, my Mother, and anyone who will listen, I don't think I like being pregnant. It's not fun.

And I have found that I have an added level of anxiety to this pregnancy. Walter and I had a very wonderful and insightful conversation about the romanticism involved with having Padon. It was new with Padon and we shared each minute detail we learned each week. It was fantastical what developments happen in a week, and while we have forgotten and it is still very interesting to re-learn with this baby, the loss of "Baby X" has given us a hush over this pregnancy. We don't excitedly talk about the new developments and I struggle not to constantly worry about this baby, "Baby Y". Compounding this issue, I reexperienced a night similar to the night I had before I lost "Baby X". A night that started as a anxiety attach as I was trying to fall asleep and ended in a panic attack over my inability to get myself under control. Only this time, I knew what this panic attack could end in and it spiraled into an uncontrollable emotional rollercoaster that had me horrified of the next morning and day and totally unable to control my emotions and unable to sleep. I passed through the following day still pregnant, baby still intact, and quaking with the realization that I HAD to see my doctor soon. I had to see him very soon to know everything was ok.

And then gratefully I remembered 4 weeks was too long to wait to see the doctor inbetween visits with Padon too. After two weeks I started to freak out and NEEDed to hear the heart beat and know everything was ok. And hey, maybe this pregnancy wasn't so different afterall.

I have always had trouble grasping that my physical actions and mental thoughts are often just like everyone else and that is totally ok, and thankfully and gratefully accepted. I am so grateful to babycenter.com for saying I should be very bloated, and most likely moving into maternity clothes. I have been given the green light to have my pregnant symptoms. Now if I can work on my drama I think we, "Baby Y" and I, will be ok. Cause that panic attack couldn't have been any fun for her/him either. Sorry baby. (thanks to capturedbycarrie.com for the precious pictures)